Happy 5th, Bombastarr!

Before anything else, it completely slipped off my mind that last February 5 was the 5th anniversary of this blog! I just remembered it a while ago. Wow, could you believe it, five long years? FIVE YEARS? I can't believe I've had this journal since I was.. *counts* thirteen! Whoa. That's a lifetime in Internet terms! Haha. It's insane. I know this hasn't been as updated as it once was, but this blog will always be my home. So, here's to the 5 years! Happy Birthday, Bombastarr! :)

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I really am in no mood to write anything sensible right now. But today was pretty awesome. Lots of good and lucky things happened to me today -- from winning Php500-worth of Krispy Kreme gift certificates, to getting a pretty decent score for my Phil01 midterms. This week made up for all the bad vibes of the last. But the stressful times are far from over, in fact, it's only beginning. Our camping at Mt. Makiling is on Friday and exams, projects, and defenses are all coming up in the following weeks. Nghhhh. I'm so anxious about everything, even my hormones are messing up :| It's taking a toll on my body, seriously. But there's no escaping this. Let's just hope I get through this alive.

Summer vacation, please come quick :(

What a feeling.

Suddenly it seemed so right.

She will be-loved.

In CL184 class the other day we were discussing the dynamics of a relationship: the presence of a "lover" and a "beloved." It has been observed that in relationships, there is almost always someone who loves more than the other. And usually, wonderful literary works (poems, songs, novels) are created by the "lovers."

I really think that from the artistic point of view, it is always more noble to be the "lover." The anguish, the frustration, the uncertainty -- it all makes for a great piece of literature. I couldn't think of a time where I was not itching to make sense of everything by writing about it. I think a part of me, a huge part of me, wanted art to always imitate life. Or the other way around. I wanted my works to mirror what was happening to me because though they were painful, they were intoxicating -- suffering is always an artist's favorite ingredient.

And yet, stripping way all these literary inhibitions and standards, just as a real, normal human being, I honestly like being the "beloved." Looking back on my past relationships (if you could call them that), I realized I never really became one because I was always determined to get who I really, really wanted. I wanted to shower someone with MY affection to prove my sincerity. And by doing so, I never really got anything for myself. I didn't give myself the chance to look around and see who wanted to do that for me. I was subconsciously resisting being the "beloved."

Now, I think I am. I feel elated not only because of course who wouldn't want to be pampered, but also because as time passes by you realize when you find someone, who likes who more doesn't matter anymore. You just enjoy each other's company -- nothing beats the simplicity of that.

They say there's no fulfillment being the beloved. While that may be true in the literary aspect (I honestly haven't been writing as much as when I was so perplexed), I'm finding myself in a much better place. I'm happy, I really am And who wouldn't be? There is someone out there who finally sees my worth. What's not fulfilling about that?

And as for the artistic/creative hiatus -- well I'm sure I'll come around. After all, an artist's next favorite ingredient is love :)

One more night, that was a good one.

Try as he might, he's unable to speak
He grabs her by the hair and strokes her on the cheek
The bed is unmade, like everything is
Dark little heaven at the top of the stairs.

-- One More Night (Your Ex-Lover Remains Dead)

It's been almost a year since I first heard of this band, and I am still completely obsessed with them. Stars is such a powerful, enigmatic band with songs so gut-wrenching, so emotional; they make heartaches sound so beautiful.

This is just one of my most favorite songs. In a nutshell, it's about break-up sex. But listen to it more carefully and it speaks so much more of the anger, the pain, the anguish that never really go away long after things have ended. It's actually the "sequel" to one of their more popular songs, "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" which is about exes seeing each other again after their separation.

Listen to that part after the second chorus. Just beautiful. You know what they say about songs getting you through? This song always does.


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Meanwhile, I am in a happy place right now :) Bygones.

Only ones who know.

In a foreign place, the saving grace was the feeling

That it was her heart that he was stealing

Things didn't turn out the way I expected. But I think I'm actually liking it.

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School is eating up most of my time. Oh acads, when will you stop being such a headache?

Spillover ponderings.

We're seven days into the new year and yet somehow I'm just only realizing stuff about 2009. I guess I've been putting off my dramatic recollections for some other time, or probably dodging it completely because I just want to let it all go, but because of our Philo1 class today I was forced to look back and reflect on how 2009 really was.

Actually, our prof asked us about one belief that we've held onto for almost all our lives until we grew up and realized they weren't necessarily true. Like Santa Claus, for example.

When I was a kid, I was made to believe that as long as you're a good person you can get whatever you want. It was an effective motivation for me, especially for school. I would study well and get good grades because I knew I would get a prize after: a new toy or dress. It's a rational way of looking at things -- do good, get reward. But then growing up, I found out it doesn't always turn out that way. Sometimes, things still don't go your way even if you know you truly deserved it. No matter how hard you work for something, sometimes it just won't fall onto your lap.

Long story short: Life's unfair.

Well that's cynical. But I guess that really how things turn out most of the time, and that has proven itself true time and time again for me, especially in 2009. I couldn't understand why things just didn't go smoothly when I was doing nothing wrong. I knew I deserved to get what I wanted, but I still didn't get it. Twice.

I guess we all come out a little bit more jaded as more new years become last years and more life becomes history. Honestly, what has this "uncovering" of reality caused me other than suffering? Now I have to live through the fact that life is devious. It's always out to get me.

But is that any reason to just give up completely? No. If anything, it should make us better persons -- it teaches us to deal with miseries, and be more grateful for the blessings.

So 2009, you may have been tiring and heartbreaking. But what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger :) Now, I'm really ready for you 2010!

P.S. I'm reconsidering: I think I just might consider having a new year's resolution -- SLEEP MORE. Gaaah, I haven't truly appreciated the beauty of afternoon siestas until yesterday!

Returning to the war zone.

I'm still in denial that school starts tomorrow. Despite the obligatory "I will do better this year!" sentiments, a part of me refuses to go back to the battlefield this soon. I don't feel like doing a dramatic monologue, submitting a paper, or reading about philosophy just yet. I just want lie around the house and do a marathon of my favorite comedy shows. And eat cookies.

And yet no amount of wanting can stop time. So much for wanting to be more optimistic as the new year comes. It's not that I don't resolve to do good (or better) this year -- it's just so hard to battle with that evil genius Sloth. It almost always wins. Any tips on how to defeat it for good?

Oh well, at least I have something to get me through this week: NE-YO! :) I honestly cannot wait. It's the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. And hey, it's a lovely motivation, mind you. I'd think of it like this: Ne-Yo serenading me with Because of You would be my prize for working hard despite the laziness this week. Doesn't sound so bad to me!

I hope school starts well for all of you, guys :)